My mother recently told me I may possibly be going to hell. Yes, apparently she has that knowledge. So, wondering who I had wronged that would warrant me receiving endless fire and brimstone-style punishment, I asked: “why do you think I’ll end up in jahanam, mama?”
“Because of that stupid piece of hair that sticks out. What’s the point of you wearing your hijab?” She was clearly distressed by my non-conventional way of wearing my head scarf. I guess this wasn’t the time to tell her I absolutely do not believe in it one bit and I wear it for her sake. Yeah yeah. I know. Whenever I reveal this little tidbit about myself, I get shat on from both ends.
The self-righteous self-proclaimed Muslim police (aka douchebags who don’t know how to mind their business): “ummm, you’re supposed to do it for Allah, not your mom. And it is a great and noble thing and you have to do it.”
Then I got the self-righteous self-proclaimed enlightened secularist police (aka douchebags who don’t know how to mind their business): “ummm, you’re supposed to be true to yourself and not let anyone control you.”
Yet, both camps are telling me what to do rather than giving me the space and freedom to figure shit out. Yes, I don’t believe it in but I got my ways of respecting my crazy-ass mom so I don’t give her a full on heart attack. Because at the end of the day, what will people say? Gasp!
I personally lost reverence for the hijab because I could not longer see it as a symbol of my personal faith. Do you boo. If you think you need it to be closer to god or whatever absolutely zero judgement from me. As Islam allegedly says:
الدين يسر و ليس عسر
But goddamn do we ever make it the latter. When you’re constantly judged, it becomes a hardship. The same dudes telling you to cover up, to pray, to do this and that, are the same ones telling you that Islam is a faith that allows you to connect 1-on-1 with your creator and be the best you can be. But only so long as your mom, dad, aunts, community and town agree that it is so.
I think I lost religion some time in late 2017. Organized religion was never my thing. And sorry, not sorry, there were too many glaring inaccuracies, coercion, control, and things I was uneasy with when it came to organized Islam as it stands today. Either the religion goes through some heavy reformation or more and more people will back away and find something that jives with their humanity.
Scratch that. My issue has never been the religion per se but those who proclaim to be the authority that can interpret it for your life. Bro, fuck off. Me and Allah have it good. We get each other. I think so long as I treat Joe and Moe well, how I pray, what I wear, shouldn’t be an issue.
Oh, it’s an issue for you? Ok, hang on I’m searching in my pockets as we speak, what! Let me grab my purse. Dammit, nothing. Let me check my pockets again. Yup. Just as I suspected. I have zero fucks to give. Better luck next time with your preaching.
My original understanding was that my faith was very personal. As I grew up, the community I was in just went with the flow. No questioning, no critiques and it was absolutely devastatingly frightening. No, I’m not going to be led like a blind person when I can clearly see. Worst yet was when members of said-community were back-biting, lying, horrible people but they were oh so religious with their Friday mosque attendance and their pilgrimages so they must be good people. What the actual fuck. Is this a joke? Are people that stupid?
So, will I ever take off my hijab permanently? I honestly do not know. All I know is that it does not define my spirituality or the entity that created me. If god, in all his alleged mercy that Muslims love to tout, is going to turn me into kabob skewers because I didn’t cover my hair, I don’t know if I can have faith in such a deity.
Besides, what is the fucken hang up with women’s hair? I never understood it. What if you have ugly hair? Can you show it? What if you have no hair? Do you need to wear it? Is it one size-fits-all where too bad you all have to wear it? Which dude came up with this proposal? I know it was a dude on a serious power trip. Doubt god didn’t foresee this coming. Anyway, there will be more chapters on this topic.
I told my mom that if god is going to send me to hell for this, meh, whatever. I’m due for a tan anyway. She was not pleased.