I’ve been trying to figure out which came first and which is a result of the other. So far, I’ve had a chicken-egg dilemma that doesn’t seem to be getting any close to a resolution. So, which came first: the anger or self-loathing? Which is a byproduct of the other? I can’t tell.
All I can say is for someone who is constantly smiling and trying to make others comfortable, I’m so fucken angry. I’m primarily angry at myself to the point of wanting to rage. I know I’m being unfair to myself and that angers me even more. It’s a vicious cycle I trap myself in a lot.
I’m angry at decisions I’ve made. Despite these decisions, by all definitions of the word successful, I am a successful person. By that bland dictionary definition, yeah, I’m golden. But despite my accomplishments, despite my relationships, despite the financial comfort, despite the certificates and recognition, I feel an insatiable inner longing for something else.
And people. Fuck, people make me so angry. Having to walk on eggshells because people are just thin-skinned, defensive, superficial, petty, vindictive things, sucks the life out of me. Their lack of appreciation for their lives or their disrespect of others just triggers me.
What’s worse is people telling me what I should or shouldn’t be.
Tone this down.
Be more assertive.
You can’t be so aggressive.
Why do you talk so much?
You’re not talking enough, everything ok?
What did you mean by that comment?
I don’t like your tone.
Why do you use your hands so much when you talk?
Your facial expressions are too animated.
Your questions are too much.
You’re not asking enough questions.
Why do you smile so much?
Woah, you ok? Your bitch face game is too strong today.
I can’t be all these people. I have one personality. I know how to get along with most emotionally intelligent and aware people, but I can’t do these people who don’t know what the middle ground is. Why is it so hard for these individuals to accept others, like me, because sure as shit, interacting with these unimpressive, baseless, wet-mop personas has brought me to the brink of fucken insanity.
I’ve literally sat across from people droning and imagined myself getting up, looking them dead in the eye and slowly saying “shut.the.fuck.up.Janet.” That shit gets me through my day.
Oh, maybe telling Janet off isn’t the best approach. Why not communicate with Janet, respectfully and constructively, and reach a mutual understanding? Because of tried so many times and the Janets of the world are just wet mops, getting triggered left and right, and triggering others in their destructive domino effect of interactions.
The worst part is being told I’m crazy when I have had enough and dialogue is not possible. When I actually reach my threshold and tell people to back the fuck up, I’m told I’m a jerk. No Janet, you’re fucken dense. I told you nicely to back off. But Janet only feels what Janet feels and lacks basic fucken empathy. Fuck you Janet.
I haven’t found a solution to these horrible feelings I’ve been wrestling with. I’m trying to understand myself better. But even that sometimes scares me. I don’t know. All I know is I feel spiritually depleted and it’s soul-crushing.
Happy fucken Monday.