Here’s the gist of what I’m about to drop on you:
- Tuesday, February 26, I decided to take off my hijab and informed my parents.
- Consequently, I got disowned.
- It lasted 10 days because my younger brother gave them an ultimatum.
- A crazy woman in our community caught “haram” me at the grocery store. It was scandalous.
- I’m my mom’s dirty secret.
- We’re good now. Sort of.
Well that was a lot.
Yes and no. If you’ve been following my blog, you kind of already knew I wasn’t exactly the most kosher of Muslims. Ok, that’s one hell of an oxymoron. What I mean, is that I’m not exactly the most orthodox. Those who know me personally, definitely know I’m not orthodox or conventional and I push the “halal” boundaries a lot. Do I look halal? I used to. Then I decided, fuck this. It doesn’t make any logical sense to me. And if I’m not doing it for Allah, I sure as shit won’t do it for Abdallah.
What happened to me? That’s what my dad tried to understand from me. Did he not raise a “good girl”, a “god-fearing girl”? Oh shit. Where do I start with this?
His anguish and despair were heartbreaking until he started providing his reasoning for why I should wear the hijab, which completely lacked reason, further justifying my own actions and the logic I used to take those actions. Wait for the future blog on what some of the most “religious” of minds think of the hijab and how people are sheep. Sheep to the slaughter.
Anyway, I think I’m a good person. Not the best, not perfect but good. And that goodness has nothing to do with how I look or dress. I think it’s centred around my moral compass which believes in kindness, integrity, and respect. These things I believe are essential to a decent human, without the incentive of heaven or the fear of hell.
I used to be god-fearing, then I realized that’s a shitty abusive relationship. I want to be cool with god. I want to respect that entity and not be petrified of the gross and sadistic things that he’s capable of because I didn’t cover my hair. Why do people make god so petty and angry? Oh right, petty, angry people made that version.
My dad did bring up my eternal soul. But, he was reminded that my eternal soul’s status is linked to the very personal relationship between me and my creator. In reality, my dad was shocked by what appeared to him as a sudden decision devoid of proper research or understanding, when in reality it was something I’d been mulling over for at least a good decade.
For over ten years I’d been trying to understand why I wore the hijab. Not why you wear it or why she wears it, but why I wear it. And nothing on god’s good green earth justified me keeping it on my head any longer. Nothing. Not parents, not culture, and definitely not religion.
I am truly blessed that my partner is one fucken solid, enlightened, down-to-earth, confident man. To be fair, this decade I’m referring to was one where him and I, on our own and together, searched for answers. We travelled together and thought and spoke in unison. We had no issues taking personal pit stops, eventually catching up to each other, and sometimes surpassing one another, but always reaching our destinations together. Whatever way we travelled, we were on the same journey: self-awareness and acceptance. Having been raised by old-school, culturally-cloistered, rigidly religious, and fearful parents, we had more questions than answers to our reality, which was a fusion of east-west, as I’ve stated before.
And so, having finally “come out” as unorthodox, unconventional, not halal, a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. Me, by being myself, and him, by having no issues standing beside me as his equal.
As a result of that support, he has faced a lot of backlash. It hurt me to hear the things said about him, but I was so proud of his confidence and steadfast way. More importantly, I’ve never felt so loved and respected than when he said to me “this is our life, you’re not facing anyone alone. We’re doing this together.” My friend, my partner, my ride or die, my habibi. Together.
There’s more to say on this topic but for now, I thought I’d let you all know my life has drastically changed and will continue to do so. There have been low moments and lots of high ones. I really hope you can join me on this journey. Peace.